Dreams… Dreams and Chronic Illness

by asage on deviantART

(Dreams by asage on deviantART

click on the image to be taken to the artist’s page)

A dream is a microscope through which we look at the hidden occurrences in our soul.

Erich Fromm

Dreams digest the meals that are our days.

Astrid Alauda, Dyspeptic Enlightenment

I have my sleep back on track after a number of weeks with having a cold and being up most of the night and sleeping during the day.  My bedtime now is around 9  or 10 p.m. and I usually manage a good six straight hours of sleep per night now.  Sometimes, I even go back to sleep for an hour or two.  Even falling asleep so early in the night (for me anyways), it’s still better than what I was going through before.  I have never had to deal with that before and I can count on one hand the number of nights I couldn’t sleep.

But, this has really dragged me out and the dark circles under my eyes, which I always had due to genetics and allergies, are a lot worse.  And the dreams.  I usually forget most of my dreams a little after waking up but, this time…

I think it’s a combination of getting older and not getting better, not having my health, February being Heart Month and knowing someone who thinks she may have those pre-heart attack symptoms that people get.  The other night all I could dream about was me having heart problems.  When I woke up I was sore, achy and stiff.  I got up and my knees were bothering me.  I had done a bit of stretching while I was still in bed but it didn’t work.

Of course, my body really, really wants me to have a period on top of all of this.  You know.  Just because.   So I also have a  sore lower back and am feeling wiped out.

Then I looked at myself in the mirror today.  I need to lose 50 pounds and looking in the mirror, it really showed.  I would be called an apple shape but what my body really looks like is a stuffed pumpkin toy.  Teddy bears are fitter than me.

The worst part with me is, I know I have to lose weight but I’ve got this slimmer image of me stuck in my head.  And I started wearing skirts again last year and in my mind I’m seeing the models’ bodies but my head is on their bodies.  But, let me explain about the skirts.

Since I got sick years ago, I’ve had a low tolerance for heat and have been living almost always in shorts and tank tops.  Last year I bought a few pencil skirts and in my mind I’m rocking that sexy chick image, which is good.  The bad part of that is that I rarely look in a mirror and don’t give myself a reality check.  Which is bad.

One of my parents had heart disease and bypass surgery and the other had a series of strokes.  It runs in the family.  And I’m getting older, I’m less mobile and it has me worried.  These last 10 years of being sick have been very sedentary, though not by choice.  But, I’ve also had office jobs for most of my working life and though I would do things like walk before or after work, I didn’t really do exercises.  Another black mark.

I have to get my act together.

I have to stop giving excuses.

I have to eat better.

I have to get my cardio up.

I have to get my strength up.

I have to buy new ankle weights.  I want to get adjustable ankle weights where I can change the weight as I progress.  The ankle weights that I have now are only 2.5 pounds each, certainly not enough to help build muscle strength.  I also don’t have the room right now to have various weights lying around.  I do, however, have resistance bands that I sometimes use so that my body doesn’t get used to my little ankle weights.

It’s Heart Month and I have already bookmarked the site for heart and stroke so I can read and learn some more.

I have to stop sticking my head in the sand on this issue.  It’s not going away.  And it is being made worse because the reality is, I have a chronic illness that prevents me from doing what I want.

But, I have to stop using that as an excuse.

The Excuse.

OK.  Pity party is now officially over!  I’m off to find new ankle weights.

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2 comments

  1. I feel the exact same way. I’ve been working with a nutritionist for the past month trying to get my GI troubles under control, and trying to loose a few pounds. This past week I thought I’d lost a few, but if I weigh in the morning I weigh about 5-7 pounds less than I did, however if I weigh in the evening it’s all right back! So I don’t think I’ve really lost any weight.
    I hate to look in the mirror. Last year I was down to a size 8 and had been for over a year, now I’m pushing a 16, the biggest I’ve ever been.
    I don’t just have the Meniere’s keeping me from exercising, although that’s a lot. I also have a bum hip, so exercising in the pool is much better for me. But I can’t do that when I’m dizzy. But I have to find something, I have to do something. My blood pressure is a little high and it’s always been low, my cholesterol is high…I have to do something.
    I don’t think this nutritionist is working. So I’ll be trying something new soon.
    I wish us both luck.
    we can encourage each other!
    wendy

    1. OK, here’s the deal with scales.

      They’re EVIL!

      I bought my current scale around 2 years ago and it’s digital. So I can count every .1 of a pound I’ve lost or gained. I drove myself crazy getting on and off of that thing first thing in the morning, after I would go to the bathroom and middle morning after my breakfast had, of course, settled.

      Amazingly though, middle of the morning I would actually weigh less than wake up time.

      But I have not weighed lately because the batteries need to be replaced. I’ll be getting them by the end of the week so the torture will start soon enough.

      And my dear, just weigh yourself in the morning before you start eating. Weighing at night and you’re also adding all the food and drink you’ve consumed during the day. And it’s best to weigh yourself once a week because your weight can go up and down each day, even when you’re doing all the right things. (says the person who could get on and off the evil scale 10 times in an hour…yes I said hour. lol.) At least I learned what I’m supposed to do, but not necessarily do what I learned. I’m getting there.

      Well, that’s all that the scale addict can say at the moment.

      I wish us both luck too! I know we can accomplish something, no matter how small it may seem.

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