(Image from the blog Ayearfromoakcottage.com)
This letter is part of a challenge that Phylor had given the readers of her blog. She had written a letter to her body and mind and what she asked of us was to start a dialogue with our own body and mind. It could be in the form of a vlog, tweets, pictures or a letter. What she received were some honest and heartfelt letters by people who are dealing with a variety of chronic illnesses.
Please go to Phylor’s blog so that you can read some of the most inspiring and emotional letters that we have made for our bodies, minds and souls.
Tricky, you say?
I would think so considering some of the hoops you have to jump through as we go about our day.
I thought I would ask you a few questions. Let you know my thoughts on a few things.
What’s with the forced retirement? I was only 37! I was far, far away from retirement. I’m not enjoying it, in case you’re wondering. Want to know why I’m not enjoying it? Loss of independence, loss of work, loss of friends, loss of opportunity. All those lost years. The list could go on and on. But, you know that already.
You are the only one who is with me 24/7. When I’m having good moments and not so good moments. When I’m scared, frustrated, happy, silly, sad.
You are the only one who has seen me struggle with not knowing what’s wrong with me. Innumerable blood tests, holter monitors, a cat scan, radioactive dye (that was a fun day, wasn’t it?) and more tests.
You are the only one who has been with me as I’ve gone from doctor to doctor, hoping that the next one will not only give me a diagnosis, but a cure. Okay, at least a treatment so that I can get some of my independence back.
You are the only one who has been with me as I’ve seen hope walk out the door with each doctor. Until we saw the ENT and got a sort-of diagnosis. I bet you’ve never seen anyone so happy to be told there was something wrong with them, have you? It had certainly been a while since I had been that happy. Or been given any clue as to what may be wrong with me.
I did those head exercises the doctor gave me. They just made us sick. I certainly wasn’t expecting that from you. I was doing them to try and make things better for us, not worse. Certainly not to make us nauseous. Couldn’t you work with me on that one? I was doing my part to make things better, why weren’t you?
You are the only one who makes my world shake, spin, bob and weave. Even in the quietest and perfectly still moments you can still rock my world, but not in a good way.
So, I guess I just want to know, what happened? What did I, or my ear, do to you? Is it my ear that’s causing the problems or is it something else? Why did you let the mind take the blame? You’re certainly not telling. And why are you keeping it such a secret? You know I want to know. It’s torturous not knowing, not being proactive. I just want to get better. But, you are the only one who is holding me back.
Just so that you know, I still have hope! I still have faith! There may be no treatment or cure for me right now, but I will not spend my days being defeated! Research is being done. People are undergoing new treatments. Knowledge is being gained all the time. I don’t know why you are playing this health game with me. I may never be cured, but, just so that we’re perfectly clear on this, I’m not going to be the one who loses!
Hugs and kisses, I still love you.