NHBPM – A Case Of The Mondays – It’s Venting Time

(Image via thepoliticalcarnival.net)

Today’s NHBPM prompt has us telling what “gets you down, burns you out, or makes you sad.” In other words, it’s venting time!

Today’s prompt is so easy for me because I already have a vent post on standby. Last winter I was in an angry, foul, sad mood and I started venting. Along with my undiagnosable inner ear problem, I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder or  S.A.D. It was a great release and I keep it so that I can read it or add to it as necessary, as anger about my situation is something that I will always have to deal with. I may still publish the original, uncensored version one day, but I’m sure I’ll be adding more things through the years. So, until then, I present my censored venting list.

I HATE getting this undefinable-by-doctors illness!

I HATE that all of this started right when I got a good job and was making plans for the future!

I HATE that I had to give up so much!

I HATE having people not believe me, especially the friends that I thought would be there for me through thick and thin.  On my better days I know you have your own problems to deal with.  But on my miserable days when I need a friend, I can only look around and see you bailed on me and my life!  I was there for you when you went through your ordeals.  Why can’t you be there for mine!

I HATE that I have to live on disability. Being poor sucks! And I HATE thinking that I’m lucky I’m on disability!

I HATED not being able to go to regular dentists while on welfare and not having basic services available to people who can only go to provincial dental clinics!  I had to get two teeth pulled because it was either get money for a root canal that I didn’t have or get the teeth pulled.  It pisses me off more because when I was hired as a permanent employee at my last job, I started getting work done because I was back on a dental benefit plan.  Lost my job, lost the plan, lost some teeth.

I HATE living with a bunch of people.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that I live with the people I live with. I’m lucky, it’s a quiet house and we have a nice mix of people. Most of the others are in the same boat as me.  But, I HATE living like I’m in a college dorm and I HATE knowing that I’m still in a better position living here the last number of years than if I was on my own or renting rooms out of other people’s homes.

I HATE the discrimination that happens when people learn that I’m on disability. Some people think that if you are on disability, you are just being lazy and don’t want to work. Yes! The secret is out! Having an invisible chronic illness and the after effects of not being able to get my health back –  losing a decent paying job, a nice work environment with good people and opportunities for advancement, good benefits, plans for university in the evenings – it can only mean one thing. I was more than happy to trade all of that (and more) so that I could have the wonderful opportunity to live on a vastly reduced disability pay! That was my plan all along! Opportunities, advancement, university…really. What are you people thinking? That I had ambitions and plans to better myself?

I HATE that I had to sell most of my belongings.

I HATE that doctors will say “A number of people have said they feel that, but it’s really not happening”. Really!!?? The swelling/fullness I feel behind my ear that I and others are apparently imagining makes it harder for the arm of my glasses to sometimes sit properly. Which, in turn, makes my glasses not sit on my nose properly which, in turn, tires my eyes because I’m not looking through the multi-focal lenses properly and it makes me feel even worse!  Because that’s what I need is to feel worse.

ARRRGGGG!!!!  I HAD TO GIVE UP MY CAT!!!   The day I gave her up to the humane society, I bawled like a baby.

LOSING MY INDEPENDENCE!  I HATE, HATE HATE THAT!

And I HATE feeling scared because of the uncertainty of what lies ahead!

(Image via coastalhealthmatters.com)

OK, I’ve taken some deep breathes. Well, that’s my list and I feel great for venting. And Tuesday, don’t worry. It’s all out of my system. We’ll have a great time tomorrow whatever we do.

This post was written as part of NHBPM – 30 health posts in 30 days: http://bit.ly/vU0g9J

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6 comments

    1. No need to worry. I love venting. I embrace the venting.

      But there is always some loss and grieving that goes on, no matter what the chronic illness. It’s something we have to accept so that we can move forward.

  1. Whew! Glad you felt better at the end, and could breathe!
    I do understand your frustration.

    Well some of them, I’m not on disability, can’t get it, I just feel like a loser. Completely dependent on my husband…oh who won’t have a job in less than 2 weeks. I’ve had a couple of people say, well he can get unemployment…umm, do you know how little that will be? It’s not like they pay what he was making…try less than half! I just shake my head and thing…I wish I could do more.

    I cried when you said you had to give up your cat. That was heart breaking.

    You have been so very strong through all of this. You found a place to live where you can feel safe (as safe as you can feel under these circumstances), you took charge of your life, you inspire me.

    If I lost Stuart, I don’t know how I’d survive on my own.

    oh, and yeah…if the swelling isn’t really happening…well he says it is inside but I shouldn’t be able to feel it, then how come I do? why does the hole in my head he drilled in it, feel like it’s pushing out? huh? tell me that? I keep having to remember, medicine really isn’t an exact science.

    BTW, when you get a diagnosis of Meniere’s, in my opinion, they may as well have told me, i don’t know. Because Meniere’s is a set of symptoms, it could be caused by a number of things. Having that diagnosis, doesn’t really make it better. It’s still so vague. And so over diagnosed.

    hang in there
    wendy

    1. Hanging in there is what we seem to do sometimes, isn’t it?

      Does this mean Stuart didn’t get the job or that a decision hasn’t been make yet? (Or I’ve been really bad on reading blogs lately?) People are wonderful, they think they mean well, but if they haven’t been in the situation of unemployment or disability, they don’t understand how little people actually get.

      And you have a doctor who admits to the swelling feeling in the head? This disease or whatever it is that’s going on with us is really screwy, Maybe one day, the doctors can all get together with patients questions and can come to a concensus on what the answers will be.

  2. Like others, glad you could breathe at the end. Venting is necessary, and the great thing about blogging is that you’re venting to folks who get it! The cyberverse is great for getting to know folks who will understand the whys and wherefores of your vent, provide support, compassion, and caring comments.
    I HATE that you have to have so many things to HATE. I wish things were better for you; sending you post-vent (((((hugs))))). And, I love the cartoon at the top. I may borrow that some time soon. I think I’m about ready for another vent piece too.

  3. Thanks for the hug. It both comforts and saddens me that people are in the situation that they understand some of what I’m venting about. But, it’s better than letting things build up and make things worse.

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