It’s My Illness Anniversary This Month!



Photo by Trent Szmolnik on Unsplash

This is always a strange time of the year for me. February is when I originally got sick and started this journey. It was a really bad flu season that winter and everyone assumed I would get better.

Surprise!

Little did I know what was in store for me.

So it’s been a reflective few days for me. How do you reconcile almost 20 lost years of your life due to a disability?

I thought about where I was, where I thought I was going, my plans, my dreams.

Then I thought of where I am now. I’m going to be 60 in three years. Just that sentence gives me pause. Because I can’t help but think of what I was doing when I was 36. Where I thought I’d be going, my plans, my dreams.

Even typing my age of when I first got sick caused a bit of tightness in my throat. I was so young then. You don’t think of 36 as being young but when you look back from from the persective of being close to 60, your 30s seem young.

Now, I think of other problems with my health. Heart disease and stroke affected both my parents. I’m now on medication for my blood pressure and to keep my heart from racing. This may very well have happened to me at some point, but when your physical abilities and activities dwindle, I can’t help but wonder how much later these would have happened to me.

To be honest, I’m not sure what I really want to say. I’m just typing thoughts out as they occur. I’m not sad like I’ve been in years gone by. It’s certainly not a happy anniversary. No one thinks this will happen to them, it happens to other people. Bad things always happen to other people. Except they don’t.

There are a lot of other people out there, a lot who are dealing with disabilities and chronic illnesses.

It’s been more of a reflective state of mind this year. Thinking about something that won’t change. Something that can’t be fixed. Something that has affected my day-to-day life for almost two decades.

Maybe, ultimately, what I’m saying is that you are not alone. If you are reading this blog and you are new to the disabled and chronic illness community, know that you are not alone.

And don’t be dismissive of what you are thinking and feeling or let others be dismissive of what you are thinking and feeling. Whether you are very emotional at all the changes in your life or like I am at the moment, more reflective. Or anything and everything in between.

Moments change. That is the constant of life. Change. We just have to learn how to best deal with it. Sometimes we’re being great at it, other times it is overwhelming. Be kind to yourself. Talk to others. Seek help, if necessary. But, always remember.

You are not alone.

6 Replies to “It’s My Illness Anniversary This Month!”

  1. Bless you for writing this. It’s been 24 years since I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and I forgot (mercifully) when the “anniversary” was. I can’t say that it gets physically easier but it has gotten psychologically/emotionally easier for me. I keep reminding myself “It is what it is” and how do I “use” my condition to live the best life I can . . . even though it might not have been the life I had envisioned.
    I love your last paragraph – it is a message we all need to remind ourselves of no matter our situation or condition.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My anniversary is on the 15th. I guess my body decided it wasn’t sharing Valentine’s Day with an illness. Like you, it’s psychologically and emotionaly easier. Time may not be healing the physical “wounds” but I’m more accepting of it all. So many big and little things have happened to help get me to this point. You don’t realize it until you have some aha moments and see how far you’ve come.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s hard to look back at what we thought our lives were going to be like, what we were….. Ya know one day I thought, even if I didn’t get sick my life still could have sucked. LOL Made me feel much better about life. But I’m a little warped, as you know.
    Perhaps if I had a day when everything changed I’d have this reflection more, but my chronic condition started slow, I’ve been sick most of my life it just got more and more as life went on. Then in my 30’s things started getting worse, in my 40’s I was disabled. Now I’m in my 50’s and I’ve only been officially disabled for 5 years, but as we know it’s been much longer than that.
    I have no idea why I’m rambling about this.
    I have a migraine hangover and think I’m catching S’s cold so forgive my droning on and on….
    if you want to talk, give me a shout.
    we can compare our reflections. xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’ve reached the point where I don’t look back like I used to but that anniversary keeps coming around every, single year. And I will remember it unless I start having some type of memory problems. But, yes, that’s my everything changed day, even though I didn’t know it at the time.

      Colds are going away again but spring may be coming. We’re getting temps closer to and above zero so we’ve had our weather hangover days. Repeatedly the last couple of weeks.

      Also, nothing wrong with being a little warped, says someone who is a little warped. 🙃 Feel better soon. Why has no one cured the cold yet?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Luckily so far I have not caught S’s cold, but these damn migraines, just kill me now! Today was a bit better though so I cant complain, oh I could, but not about that, 😉

        It SNOWED here today. I mean WTH? It’s TUCSON for gosh sakes! So now we are very wet. But there is no climate change!
        El Nino is also dumping a ton of water so the washes are running, it’s cool to see. But bad for me brain. 🤯

        Liked by 1 person

        1. OMG! I read that this morning and thought of you. And snow in L.A. and Vegas. Wait. Wait. Let me be the one to scream “what global warming”. Tomorrow, we’re +6 with rain, freezing rain then a touch of snow. And strong winds of 80-90 km/hr before it goes cold again. It’s seesaw weather time now. Breathe in and out.

          Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s